Hello World.
It necessary for me to say something today being one of the most important days. On this day my brother Michael would have been 51 years old and tomorrow I will turn 35. Lately, I’ve been feeling why am I so blessed to get another year. I don’t feel like I should be happy on my birthday. Actually, I’m not happy…not at all. I have “Angel Baby” doing my make-up at 7pm today and I don’t even feel like it. There’s a party for me at around 8p, and I don’t feel like going. I would much rather lay in my bed with a fine bottle of merlot and a fresh new pack of Newport Shorts…and just cry about it. I’m really not feeling like giving out fake smiles. I really don’t feel like small idol conversations. I actually feel like screaming bloody murder, but because I’m Yasmine Jackson’s mother, I have to be 10 times stronger than I really am. I can’t let my daughter see me sweat. I can’t be out of character in front of her because she would be worried about me.
So right now as I type these worlds, understand that I am so sad that there is not any word that could explain how I’m feeling. I can’t just tell you how it feels. Every time I take a breath, my heart hurts. I feel like I have heavy bricks on my chest and I just can’t seem to get focused. My oldest sister suggested that I should see a therapist, but I’ve never been one to tell all of my personal business. I’ve always been the one to fix myself. If anyone could tell me how to fix my heart that is shattered into pieces then maybe I need a big ol’ colorful Band-Aid. Maybe that will work. Until then I’ll just accept my misery and try not to go over the edge.
I love you Michael. See you in paradise…
16 Responses to “Saturday Blues”
Strong Thought / words, i can feel the emotions you feel through this. know that, through good or bad, thick or thin, always keep your head up, your a strong virtuous woman, and keep the prays flowing as well, god is always with you…Happy birthday Joh’Vonnie
do enjoy it to the fullest and happy birthday Michael may your soul find eternal rest
U seem like a strong women so keep prevailing this site is on my favorites so i keep up with its updates so update reguarly lol
stay strong
Dear Joh’Vonnie!
It takes a great deal of courage to share your inner feelings with us like that and I thank you. While I don’t personally know you or your family, I can say that my impression of your brother is that he would never want you to wonder why you have been so blessed to have survived or to feel guilty. I think his spirit was one of love and that he would want you to live your life to the fullest and to try to spread as much love as you can.
That said, we all have those moments where things feel bleak and dark and depressing. I have been there myself more than I care to admit. That doesn’t in any way make you weak…it makes you HUMAN. And please don’t feel bad if you feel you need the help of loved ones or professionals to see you thru. We ALL need others sometimes…that is why God placed us all here…to see one another thru. NONE of us can make it totally alone.
You seem to have a lovely spirit and I will certainly keep you and your whole family in my prayers. I hope that He will give you the comfort you need to travel this journey and see brighter days.
Peace and blessings to you now and always!
I wish you a blessed birthday. Eternal blessings to your wonderful brother. (much love to my fellow Virgo crew - my brithday is Sept 3rd! lol)
I as well have a daughter yet she is only 5 I still have 2 be strong and live by example 2 her so I can guide her through life. Sometimes it is so hard I just want 2 curl up but I look at her and refuse I won’t let anyone or anything beat me down. Sometimes one’s life can b so similar yet so different. Ofcoarse I do not know ur life cuz I have not lived it but through your words i can see that u r a strong woman and ofcoarse a great mother. Go deep down into that strength God gives us women and u shall overcome. Stay strong in prayer and God!I believe in ur words and I believe in u! God Bless
Thanks Girl and what you said above is right on the money!!Take good care of your baby and yourself….Luv Ya
I love you Gabriel..Your chicken soup for the soul Baby! Big red Kiss to you Mr.G
Hi Joh’Vonnie! I am so happy that you are finally speaking out. I am very sorry for how cruel the Jackson family has been about accepting you as a member of the family. As christians, that kind a thing is unacceptable. I have been praying for you, and obviously God heard me. You are going on inspite of everything you’ve gone through. Girl, keep your head up. There are a lot of people on your side. Keep God in your heart you’ll be fine.
hello joh’vonnie. my name is chanalle, and i have something VERY important to say. Perhaps I should start off by saying- i HATE Joe Jacksons guts. Judging from the thousands of comments posted on public sites such as youtube, it appears that im not alone. Michael would often complain about the terrible treatment he endured at the hands of Joe on national televison, and apperantly, in personal conversations that were unfortunately leaked.
In the past, i often found MJ’s constant complaints of child abuse annoying, and would even yell through the tv screen to him “get over it!”. Although i admired your brother intensely for his proffessional accomplishments, and even found myself from time to time hailing him a saint for his kind acts of charity, i still could not comprehend what his ‘problem’ was with his child-hood and never wanted to hear another pathetic story of him being slapped by Joe for missing a ’step’ again. In the usual selfish fan-addict way of the millions who loved, if not worshipped, your brother, i only cared to hear him sing a melody or moonwalk himself onto a stage.
In his fan-bases fairweather friend kind of way, I only wanted to hear the good stuff, and none of the bad stuff.
But upon MJ’s death, something rather strange occured. I felt a true sense of loss and bereavement like never before. I used to be so numb ot life in general, but the day your brothers death was announced, it seemed to have almost brought me, the ‘deadest’ person you might find, alive again. For the first time in YEARS, i actually FELT something.
In fact, i was so distraught at your brothers demise that i had to pop a few anti-deppressants which act doubly as tranquilizers to put myself to sleep. “This is all a bad dream”, i convinced myself, and stayed in my bed for two weeks. i did not eat, and barely could bring myself to wash up, which was most unsual for me. i lost 10 lbs, i ignored important phone calls, and filled my stomach with pills. I got terribly drunk too.
its funny how a man which i never physically met, could impact my life in such a way that i damn near killed myself and lost my mind over his death. My family called me the day he died with great sympathy, leaving kind words of support, despite the fact that they knew that they wouldnt see or hear from me for weeks. I can only imagine how YOU must’ve felt- a mixture of grief, a sense of betrayal- a little anger and confusion?
Amongst the sadness, i felt compelled to move into action, and investigate MJ’s life and death further. I found much more than i bargained for, or even care to share. Most people wouldnt beleive the things which have been revealed to me. im not talking about media gossip like who he slept with, or how many nose jobs he had. Im talking about something much more sinister and serious. im talking about the industry that he worked in, the sick and perverted enviornment called hollywood/hell-weird. Thank GOD you were not involved in that, and know that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. when you mentioned feeling guilty because you ’survived’, it only makes me wonder WHAT you survived, but also scared to know.
I have found out many disturbing things in regards to Joe, none of which i plan to post here on a public forum. But MANY people are WELL AWARE that Joe sold his children to hollywood for profit- that is most obvious. I have reason to believe that Michael Jackson, along with his other siblings have been terribly abused, FAR WORSE than which was made public. it would explain many things about MJ, which I used to deem as strange, bordering on creepy bahavior, I now see as nothing but that which was ‘programmed’ into him.
I am a college student, taking up psychology- MJ showed severe signs of living in a perpetuated child-like state. Even as a ‘Michael Jackson follower’ his fascination with children, his claim to be peter pan, his never-ending saga of sleep-overs with kids, and his utter resistance to develope any healthy relationships with an adult other than a precious few rubbed me the wrong way. As i watched his ‘interogation’ with Martin Bashir, I was given the impression that MJ was a whacked person-perhaps it was the biased, uncompassionate commentary by Bashir which formed my judgemental views of not just MJ, but his entire family ( that would include you).
I, myself, as a Michael Jackson fan-addict, even began to wonder what kind of nut was I watching on National Television, and if I should be the one to call the psychiatric ward first to have MJ locked up for mental instabillity. I wondered if i was the ONLY person who saw what I saw- a man in desperate need of therapy and anti-psychotics, and perhaps, even a good slap in the face with reality.
I am now very , very sorry for my misjudgements, of not only of MJ, but of you too. Judging from your own blogs, it appears that you too have been abused- i always assumed you were ‘daddy’s girl’ and had it the easiset. I can now say that, ‘the easiest out of all of your siblings’ is still horrible, from my own research of the matter. Even though this is your blog, i am sure your commentary on certain topics are ‘censored’ so i would not ask that you risk your own safety in anyway. i just wanted to share my condolescences of yoru tragic loss, i wanted you to know that ‘you are not alone’ in your suffering or your grief, and that people understand more about the complexity of your family situation, as all is not what it appears.
Its very sad that MJ was being mind-controlled, but through physical death comes great spiritual relief. May God be with you and your child, and may MJ be afforded the peace in the afterlife that he was refused in this one.
Hey Joh Vonnie…What’s going on? Hunny I gotta tell it like it is. You really need to move on for your own peace of mind. I know you are in a difficult situation. I can only imagine what you are going through . You are a Michael Jackson fan that just so happens to be his half sister…That had to have been a bitch growing up…Michael Jackson was and is the most famous person on earth and I bet you are a fan and loved the hell out of him but could not have that bond with him and that has to hurt so deeply…
I would be….LAWD….Whew chile I would probaly be in a therapist’s office as well. That situation just sucks….I was gonna say soemthing to you totally diffrent but damn …that just sucks all around.
I know you said that you met him once at neverland and he didnt inquire about you…Honey why didnt you take the opportunity and run with it? Michael was such a good person..He was very hard hearted when it came to you though ..I know you heard the tapes and what he said…
Damn that’s tough! Joh Vonnie my heart just breaks for you …literally breaks…I can sit back and type and tell you what i would have done but damn…I cant put myself in your shoes . It’s really really hard…
However at some point during that day I would have got over my nerves and attempted a conversation with him. Michael had a heart you know that honey….You should have spoke to him more than a simple hello.I wouldve said …Hello Michael Im Joh Vonnie I know you may not like me but I just want to let you know that reguardless of anything I always loved you and looked up to you and im sorry that you were hurt by my being here (let your voice crack a lil show some emotion )
That would have gotten the conversation going TRUST ME ….Michael had a heart and even if he didnt express anything to you right than and there he would have heard you and remembered what you said …
I really wish you could have said something to him when you had the chance…HOWEVER nothing is stopping you now honey and reguardless of what folks say ..He is your brother and you are his sister and he is in heaven and he hears YOU … We all have flaws here on this earth . Michael wasnt perfect but he is heaven and his heart is not heart .
Go in a room with just yourself ….and talk to him. He will hear you. Tell him everything you want to say to him and get it all out . Let him know that you love him .Let him know everything you wish you would have said to him while he was alive .Cry yell let it all out…God hears you too sweetie. Once you get it all out let it go . He heard you…no doubt in my mind Michael heard you . Im just a fan …wasnt even that big a fan and when he died it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was stretched out in my bed crying like a baby for days and i dont even have the biological connection you have but you know what…I talked to him like im sure other fans did and i feel like he heard me so if he heard me I know he will hear you .
Janet and Latoya are still alive. Let them know how you feel…Dont go to the tabloids write a letter and give it your father Joe or get thier info . You know what Michael,Janet, Toya and the rest of the sibs that ignored you problem was…They didnt know you..They dont know you are a person with feelings. You have to humanize yourself. If you want to go contact them but myself personally I would’nt .
Take care of yourself JohVonnie and dont let these jealous MJ stans call you out of your God Given name do you hear me ? Dont let nobody hear on this earth make you feel like you should not have been born. You are a child of God and beautiful as all get out .Dont let the circumstances of your birth or being a Jackson weigh on your heart. Do you know how many OOW children/adults there are out here in this world? Alot of the negetive ppl are jealous you are related to their idol.
I am not a Michael Jackson fan, I am his sister. I do not throw myself at anyone. I think you’re trying to put my feet in the wrong shoes. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my brother’s talent, but notice the key word, “Brother”. As far as my other siblings, they are supposed to be older and more mature about the situation, but no matter what I still love them.
Kitara, sweetie I don’t know what your problem is, but I can do whatever I want to do. I have free will. And for your information, I have had johvonniejackson.com for almost two years now. So as you see that this has been a project I’ve been working on for a long time. As far as a chip on my shoulder, I don’t entertain chips. It sounds like you have a chip on yours. To answer your question about how do you love someone you don’t know, ask yourself this question…Do you love your president? You have to remember that we do have the same father and you have to be a Jackson to understand this type of thinking and this type of emotion. I love all of them equally, no more than the other. And P.S for your information, I have been around them all. I know my brothers and sisters and they know me. And for you reminding me about my mother sleeping with my father ,POINT BLANK, let me remind you that my mother slept with my father for over 25 years. Dear Sweet Kitara, Get a Life! I can do whatever I want to do. P.S.S… Know what you’re talking about before you come onto my website leaving a comment. P.S.S.S .. You know Kitara, it is people like you that are filled with so much negativity, hatred, unadulterated ignorance, and lack of understanding. You are the type of person that loves misery. Girl work on yourself. Get some spiritual guidance ASAP! Bye girl. Take care, thanks for stopping bye.
Your concern about not allowing your daughter to see how upset you are is admirable. I can help you and you do not have to take any medication.
Thank you for sharing.
hey vonnie. I just wanted you to no that i think that you are a very gifted gal and you are an amazin writer also. i just want you to just let nature take its course with the rest of your fathers children. You have Joes blood in you so that makes you just as much a jackson as they are. In you are not imposeing by wanting to get to no them. but just kind of guard your heart in that situation. Rebbie in Jermaine strike me as the open hearted types and are very humble.However it was joes place to bring you all together.I saw the memmorial service on tv in i was wondering why you wasnt there with the rest of the children.but on the same token you must look at the reality of life they was not gonna put joe jackson outside child name in mj program. probably because they thought it would ov looked bad publicly and also mj did’nt adsept you as his sis so you could’nt really have adspected it to be. but however you are very beautiful and gifted in would fit rite in.But its gotta sometimes be hurtful 2 b shunned by your own family.youre your moms only child rite?i believe if you had other siblins it wouldnt be so hurtful.
hey vonnie. I just wanted you to no that i think that you are a very gifted gal and you are an amazin writer also. i just want you to just let nature take its course with the rest of your fathers children. You have Joes blood in you so that makes you just as much a jackson as they are. In you are not imposeing by wanting to get to no them. but just kind of guard your heart in that situation. Rebbie in Jermaine strike me as the open hearted types and are very humble.However it was joes place to bring you all together.I saw the memmorial service on tv in i was wondering why you wasnt there with the rest of the children.but on the same token you must look at the reality of life they was not gonna put joe jackson outside child name in mj program. probably because they thought it would ov looked bad publicly and also mj did’nt adsept you as his sis so you could’nt really have adspected it to be.
but none of that is your fault vonnie i always wondered when you was gonna start showing the world your talent in come out of your shell.But sometime vonnie with a guarded heart you have to extent your hand.But now that they no that you are open to a relationship with them who no’s what might happen ya digg. I would love to see you around more and i would like too see you with also.I wish everybody would top talking sh.. because its not your fault who you are.When folks say they should’nt adsept you thats wrong because its more so there choice not to. people like that got they own hurts in hangs in hang ups ya digg.i honestly think they wont regret giveing you a chance because you seem very positive and decent oh and i tried some fried pickles there good. peace in God bless. oh in you betta hurry up in put that book out gal lol.
HELLO JO.
HOW ARE YOU? WHATS UP WITH YOUR HALF BROTHERS REALITY SHOW? ARE THEY RUNNING OUT OF SOMETHING TO DO OR ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE SOME MONEY? JUST CURIOUS. ALSO. DO YOU KNOW HOW MRS CATHERINE JACKSON IS DOING? BOY TIME FLYS. ITS ALREADY BEEN 6MO. SINCE MIKES DEATH. HOW IS YOUR DAUGHTER? TAKE CARE OF HER JO. HAVE A BLESSED DAY!
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